so after one of those days…

today a had a major meltdown from stress. this week has been just overwhelming and so stressful with work. brian was pushing my buttons earlier and then starts saying things like “aren’t you supposed to be ms hardass-blahblahblah” after i already told him i was really starting to stress out about work and money. and i just started to tear up, which as soon as he notices it goes into joking/you need to toughen up mood. he internalizes EVERYTHING. i don’t. its right there for the whole wide world to see, and if i could change that, i would but i can’t/don’t know how. he then just kept going on about how we are in a recession and that i need to be happy with what i have. i know this. i really do, but once i get worked up about something, i can’t get it out of my head. i am so sick of feeling like the failure in my family. how can someone who worked so hard to get a masters degree and that has been working so hard to try to find a new job feel like a failure? come in my shoes, i’ll show you.

so i kind of calmed down, had lunch with brian’s mom and then when i got back, he was trying to make jokes again that for whatever reason triggered something in me when let me to not be able to stop crying and lash out, which he then clammed up and said he was sick of hearing about this all the time. i know he gets annoyed because he can’t do anything. how does he think i feel? so, i lashed out again, said i never will talk about it again. i later sent him a message, apologizing, but i haven’t heard back from him. so, here i am at work, trying to fight back tears because i can’t stop thinking about how i’m going to pay off all of my credit cards and feeling worthless.

all of this sucks. i really am just at the point where i don’t want to hear about another person getting another job, having a baby, getting engaged, getting a promotion, furthering their career. i’m such a bitter bitch. :o( i hate feeling like this. what is wrong with me?