December 2008
not a happy panda.
this sucks. i am sick, therefore i cannot run. therefore i have no means to temporarily get myself out of my own head, which is, as always going about a million miles a minute. heaven forbid i could ever just turn it off. i am feeling completely discontent and i have no idea why. instead i feel like getting into pjs, eating a whole pizza (that i cannot really eat because of my lactose intolerance)...
the talking leads to touching and the touching leads to sex and then there is no mystery left.
fuck.
i forget about you long enough to forget why i...
i talked to walt last night for the first time in months. i see him and his buddies at the KT all the time. i usually leave or avoid him when they all come in. i don’t like doing that because i really do like walt. he’s a good person, just had some hard times. i also don’t want to be reminded of things. reminded that i still miss someone as greatly as i do his best friend. i...
i quit this game. it is much too difficult, even for a strong willed person.
sweet potater pie
happy day after christmas. i’m sitting on the couch, drinking coffee with my parents who are both reading books on amsterdam. they are going overseas to to visit the twinsie during easter break. i was supposedto be going with dad to amsterdam during our trip, but nooooo. someone had to come home during the time we were gong to visit last summer.
dad: oh, well, we can go to the red light...
my dad's nickname for me is barslut.
within an hour of getting home, my dad asked me to make him a drink. apparently he had some kind of stomach flu and has been on a strict grey goose and o.j. diet. he then whispered to me that he had a surprise for me in the cabinet. now, if you know anything about the relationship of my mother and father, you know that dad is not allowed to have whiskey in the house, under any circumstance. mom...
family awesome.
so, it’s taken a few weeks, but i am kind of excited about the holidays. this is the first time in at least five years i have been “alone” during this time of the year. honestly, i’m pretty okay with it. you know how much cheaper it is when you don’t have to buy not only christmas, but also hanakkuh presents for a different family?
plus for the first time in five...
long winded your face...
I really wish I would have let myself listen to For Emma, Forever Ago after I broke up with Stout. Back in February, there was no way I was going to allow any new sad bastard-esque music into my life. I wouldn’t even listen to Ryan Adams for almost three months (and if you know anything about me, that’s the first thing I turn to in recessions of emotional highs and lows). Glen Hansard was...
GD man, GD...
my lip has been doing that weird half lip curl-smurk the past few weeks that i’m not comfortable with. at all.
(taps fingers on cheek)
goddamnit.
ohio weather
i have lived all of my 25 years in this state, yet the complexity of the weather he brings to the table never ceases to surprise or amazing me. just in the past year i have seen a blizzard dropping 20 inches of snow in a 5 hour time period, hurricane strength winds bringing the whole state to a stand still, leaving millions without electricity and water for days, humidity only the florida...
cleveland
i just got home from my second trip from cleveland in the past week (its past 3). this time it was for my mother’s family’s christmas. there is some on-going passive aggressive drama going on (there usually is) within the tree, but thankfully it was hidden tonight. my friend matt played santa for the kids for the second year in a row. he uses any excuse to experience the craziness that...
this woman needs to be in your musical life. stat.... →
listen to “ocean”. it’s almost as beautiful as she is.
i miss my friend
i have got to get back into a normal sleeping pattern. i haven’t slept properly in a week and it’s putting me into a funk.
at least the twin panda is here. thank god. she liked her surprise last night. yay for road trips and good concerts.
may the roads be open
while working for the government might have many downsides (in my case one and it brings an extra side dish of crazy ever goddamn day) sometimes it’s like being in elementary school. today i woke up at my normal time of 630 only to find out we were on a two hour delay.
i felt like a little kid in a candy store, jumping around all excited about getting to sleep in. yes, i am still 9 to a...
intense, hardcore.
this random person from my HS added me on facebook a few months ago. i recognized the name, but i don’t really remember having any type of conversation with this individual. i was pretty sure this person was in my brother’s grade (he’s a year younger than i am) so i didn’t think anything of it.
even more out of the blue, this guy randomly messaged me, asking me all these...
and?
i spend too much time on the computer.
okay, so i can’t really help that. i work everyday and spend 8 hours on the box because i get paid to do so. it will be even worse when i am working in xenia.
this is the place i love the most:
songmeanings.net
if you have never ventured, you should i am obsessive compulsive about it. seriously. it’s a beautiful thing to hear other peoples...
seriously?
i have been told before, actually a few times, that i’m the kind of girl that makes attached men want to stray.
is that really a compliment?
"Its not the men in my life, it's the life in my...
Badge is gonna yell at me about the length, I can feel it. For months I have wanted to write on what I call a list dedicated to the “Next Mr. Wrong”. Cynical, yes but I say this because I have a hard time grasping spending the rest of my life with one person. I have this weird “seeing is believing” mentality so the concept is difficult to comprehend. Plus, it’s really hard to think that someone...
green eyes...
i wrote this a few months ago. sometime when i stop being lazy or have at least something to motivate me, i want to write more. i need a muse.
Green on Green Big strong man never takes a stand too caught up in the middle of what he should’ve had big strong man never takes her hand middle of his own fear fear of life better with lust never just big strong man never takes a stand...
everything must start its course
i think it is necessary to at least once in your life completely fall apart, become absolutely and unbelievably vulnurable and almost destroy yourself until there is almost nothing left but a huge mess and empty bottles. it takes that type of agony and torture to truly understand yourself.
at least that is how it is/was for me.
and one day, i will be free.
yours, rock buttom looking up
broken
ain’t it strange, i see your face in the window of a store, holding me back from throwing my bottles out at the car?
i don’t think i’m ready for someone to hold me back…
i keep running away...
i am a runner. running is one of the few constants i have in my life. someone this summer told me i was crazy and hardcore because i would get up at 6am, sometimes 530am, just to run. to wake up with the sun, see the mist from the trees and the pond rise. they couldn’t understand what would make someone do this and actually enjoy it. i told them it was one of the few ways i could elevate the...
job no. 1 is over for the day.
job no. 2 is about to begin.
my favorite job of keeping my bar open begins sharply at 9:15.
i am a tired panda.
let it be
one of my biggest problems is that i get much too caught up in my own head. i let one little thing get in and beat it until there is nothing left of the original thought. just the lingering feeling that i was upset or depressed and that is what stays. my goal is to get past this one day. my big question now is, though, how?
tonight was not an expection. i have to accept that is it okay to not be...
i think i like how the day sounds...
i have a new bearded man in my life. temporarily. at least as distractions go. i need to get my jollies off somehow.
greg laswell. beautiful, beautiful. beautiful.
thank you for opening the window, the sky is as clear as my mind is now, i was a long, long way off…
be sound.
“It’s a strange concept, to think that one’s heart can be broken while they’re still in a relationship; while they’re still in love, whatever semblance of love it is that we have. But mine is, and I can’t completely blame it on you, try as I might. I am a fool—a classic fool, who has fallen into the same stupid trap that I’ve always swore I’d...
i am ready, i am.
i sent in a postsecret. maybe that should be my secret.
i keep trying to comprehend why it has not been posted.
make reason out of the unknown, something i am queen of trying to unsuccessfully accomplish.
i just want to feel like i have gotten something from this burning. this trainwreck, this puncture wound.
like a phoenix rising from the ashes of my own summer of self-destruction and...
i like this
so, if it wasn’t for mr badgebadge, i would not have started this. i kind of like it, actually a lot. i have said this before and i will say it again, i have no apologies for anything that i say. i will be as honest as i can possibly be and will be an unapologitic tit.
get used to it.
i wrote this today, it probably sucks
Such a front I can put on sometimes. I am honest and I am real, but try to crack this “front” and you’ll get nowhere. Especially when it means lying to your friends that you are not in “that word” with someone that never deserved it from the beginning. And that you’re progressing okay. And not crying hysterically in your shower like a crazy person because you...